I never wanted to talk about this matter or it is better to say that I was threatened to not tell anyone because in that case I should see in my dreams to leave Turkey. But I do not have fear now since in a few days I will leave Turkey to a safe country and he/she cannot bother me and put me to sleep with tearful eyes.
First everything was beautiful. Being a woman and having rights was pretty. Being lesbian was pretty. Participating at pride and marching there was pretty. The thought of ending patriarchy was beautiful and was not a dream anymore. But all these pretty things did not last long for more than a few months. Everything was broken and fear replaced all of them.
I was asked to go to Istanbul from my small refugee city to participate at the first Iranian prides in Turkey which I later found out was a lie. My partner and I were happy that we could believe that we are not in Iran anymore and were not being controlled by family and social clichés. Therefore, we decided to go to Istanbul. I wish we had not gone and had stayed in our loneliness and had not become slaves for a year.
During pride, we were asked to participate in a video interview. We were so excited and happy and proud that we did not have to fear being lesbian and we are doing an important thing for our rights. We were invited to his/her hotel room for the interview. There was a camera at a corner of the room and they tricked us to have interview without hiding our faces. Unfortunately, we agreed. We were given some papers to sign. Those documents were in English and we were told that because everything they did was legal, we had to sign those documents. We were not given any other explanations.
Details about our lives were asked, even the most private parts of our lives, our sexual relationships, the number of sexual partners we’d had, our preferences and roles in the bedroom with all details for making it a subject for the bedroom. It was not the end. The. Interviewee wanted to put words in our mouths. Questions were leading – this thing that you said, you mean this right?. And when I would say no, and explained what I meant again, we would be told that this was what he/she said. You grew up in Iran and do not have vision. You grow up in Iran and were not open. What you say means this. Say what I said. I did it once but it did not feel good. I did not want to continue but all those kindnesses were replaced with force and order. I was forced to continue. I felt so bad. The interviewee would say do not waste our time! You signed papers! We paid your trip costs to Istanbul! If you do not continue, it would be a breach of contract and it is a crime.
My partner was sitting quietly. She found out that she should not talk because it is not a normal situation. Every once a while she would hold my cold hands and I could read her eyes that was telling me to tolerate it, it will end like all of our other difficulties in Iran. But it lasted for a year. That group controlled us even when they were not there. There was an unwritten rule that we had to “Like” all their “Facebook posts” otherwise we were traitors. We had fear that our secrets would become public if we do not “like”.
We liked but we did not like those posts. We were seeing other people’s likes and we were wondering whether they had to “like” them like us? We were not interested to stay in their circle of friends but if we did not show that we were their friends and adored them, our refugee applications could be targeted and a part of my interview where I had mentioned that I had sexual relationship with a guy for one time, could be sent to the UN while I had told the UN that I never had.
Name and information of senders are remain confidential with justice for LGBT
Since, we are not able to confirm it independently, we removed the individual’s name.
Justice for LGBT is willing to provide these information to justice departments.